February 2012
1 post
And if I do end up fucking it all up.
I’ll at least know who to blame
Same as always
December 2011
5 posts
I feel like we understand each other less the more time goes by
6 tags
Where do the words go?
smilesforzander:
when they aren’t falling from my fingertips or dripping from my pen? Are they being whispered into someone else’s ear or written in a crumpled note, maybe they are running through someone else’s head. You know the words haven’t been visiting me like they used to. It isn’t as easy to find them when you try. So I’ll just wonder what escapade they are on without me...
9 tags
The Silent Fight
They didn’t fight like other couples. There was no shouting, no crying or crashing. No they fought with thoughts. They didn’t need the others anger to start the debates from happening, they were always in thought. Silent tug-of-war and glares. They fought with high chins and planted feet, with statements and ultimatums not said. After all of the rolled eyes they went to bed together...
7 tags
Ghosts and predictions
Memories are funny, our brains generally remember just what they want. Until it matters, and then all the forgotten moments flood in, it wasn’t all bad. Then it’s just confusion because when so much time has gone by its hard to decide which to go with. Because when evil eyes turn out not so evil and the ghost of Christmas past turns out to be a humanbeing the world is suddenly turned upside...
1 tag
Christmas in California
The power was out today. Yep. Not only in our apartment, but the gym. So the man and I had an unexpected day together, which was nice. We never get to sleep in. But since we didn’t want to sit around in the dark all day we went and bought a Christmas tree. We didn’t have one last her, partly because we moved in last december and were too busy unpacking to go out and get one. They...
8 tags
Knocked off
I was cruel when you met me. I didn’t care about anyone, not about you, I just wanted to keep myself occupied, and used everyone around me to do it. You were one of the first to stand up to me, really stand up to me, and tell me to stop. I didn’t stop doing it, but I began to take you more seriously, to the point that you were the only person I treated at my level. You were the...
November 2011
40 posts
I just want to be more to you
10 tags
After the Choice is Made
smilesforzander:
She didn’t know where she was, or how she got there. She wasn’t sure what happened to the freespeaking girl she once was now she only freely thought, never spoke.
When is the exact moment where society sucks the life out of you? Is it when you graduate high school? When you sign your first full employment contract? Or is it over the hours and hours of college coursework and...
4 tags
Whispers
smilesforzander:
If only I were brave enough to utter the conversations my bedroom walls hold, I wish I could say these words to you, I bet you would love me then. But I know you would interrupt me with logic, break my strength in half, making my grand statements sound small and mediocre, even over-romanticized. I can’t tell what is fact or fiction anymore. There are times where I wonder if...
3 tags
What did you love about me? Was it my husky voice and sly smile, or perhaps it was my long hair and even longer legs. All I know is that you loved something, so much you had to have all of it. Until you thought I was too hard to control, no longer worth the effort, and then with no warning at all you left me.
The second you were gone I did everything you told me not to do.
9 tags
Delano
Thanksgiving was the same, over and over again. Me, my mother and my father would jump in the car and drive 4 hours, over the grapevine, past the fields and mountains and traffic. Where you don’t see houses for miles and miles, where its flat and you can actually see the curve of the world without buildings blocking it. To Delano, to my Nana’s house where we would see all of the...
1 tag
Fuck the writing and go straight to smoking bud?
4 tags
I've always wondered
What winter is like in places where it snows. I’ve been in snow three times, still can’t decide how I feel about it.
5 tags
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
I can’t be absorbed into others peoples lives. I can only watch, and let their stress drip off of me as they drown in it.
8 tags
Not a good way to start the day...
A young woman slipped into a dark hallway, silently setting a basket down and quickly locking the door behind her. Ceceliea Seesdsa took a step towards a door to her right but then immediately pivoted back in the other direction, this was a movement she repeated, fretted whispers escaping her lips, “She’s going to be angry but then again I might be in trouble. Lazy as a housecat that one, I...
6 tags
6 tags
What do I always want?
smilesforzander:
“So youre engaged?” He said softly, entering the bedroom without a knock.
She didn’t look back at him. “This was always the plan…right?” she laughed softly, it was meant to be cruel, she wanted him to feel the same sting she sometimes felt when looking at the band around her finger.
“Yes, I remember that.” the tall figure moved gracefully in the dark behind her, sounds...
8 tags
It was exhausting inside her mind...
It was exhausting inside her mind. Loud. So many different things happening at once, I couldn’t organize it. It takes an effort to think about one thing for more than six seconds. Not hyper active, it flowed to sliding from one thought to the next, it was easy. I found myself thinking about many different aspects of something at once, immediately able to decipher the most logical and effective...
3 tags
Selective memory
smilesforzander:
I haven’t always been like this you know…
So scatterbrained. There was a time I was organized, but now…Now the more time that goes by the more I feel that one by one, my marbles are rolling down the hill and into the canal…ready to be swept out to the ocean. Its only a matter of time.
I wasn’t always like this.
It is a combination of things, theoretical, or not. Weed, I...
7 tags
Cross my heart
I met you as a kid, and then we were inseparable. My family knew you, your family knew me. We were together so much that we began to walk crooked when we were apart, just because we were so used to leaning on each other. Playing pretend until 15 there was no reason to grow up not when we were princesses and warriors. Not when there were gardens to play in, and disneyland to explore. Even when...
6 tags
Simple things
You always told me you don’t know how to support people, that you didn’t have any growing up so you don’t know how to give it. I can see how you think that, but in my two and a half years experience around you I’ve seen a much different side of you. You’re still the man who agreed to meet my parents, just to make them feel better about me staying over. Still went to...
3 tags
On dirty looks
The man is a personal trainer, who owns his own studio. I, obviously, take advantage of this and try to get to the gym at least 3 days a week. I frequently bring him coffee once I get off work (its on my way home). So when I go in I’m usually in my work clothes, which is just business casual, or my work out gear which is a tank top and a pair of shorts or pants.
I wear shorts in the gym...
6 tags
lovelikevulture:
Deep In The Valley Of The Sun
There lived a flame. That flame was a stubborn, strapping idea of a man, and pure fire. With a heat synonymous with ‘white’, the valley was the perfect place for the torched fool- away from shadows, night, and ice. He burnt his days away, smoked the evenings, and relished in the infinite intimate inferno. It was empty and he liked it that...
2 tags
2 tags
On working and living
I have a job interview today. I’m still a personal assistant, but the hours on that aren’t cutting it anymore, and I’ve got a car to buy in just a couple years. I’d like to pay the man more rent and save up for a few things on my own too.
Money doesn’t mean much to me in general though, I’m lucky, spoiled even my family gave me a great life. It’s true...
8 tags
Consoler of the Lonely
I’m bored to tears
I’ve resorted to living in a fantasy. Where my tasks in themselves are mediocre and boring, they kill me to do and sometimes I wonder if a little piece of mysometimessoul vanishes with every push of the vacuum and every concealed remark. Loneliness has never bothered me like it does now, because usually its my choice to be lonely, not my only option.
I’m...
5 tags
Where do the words go?
smilesforzander:
when they aren’t falling from my fingertips or dripping from my pen? Are they being whispered into someone else’s ear or written in a crumpled note, maybe they are running through someone elses head. You know the words are not visiting me like they used to. It isn’t as easy to find them when you try. So I’ll just wonder what escapade they are on without me and hope that...
7 tags
Let's Go
You are the only one I would have done crazy things with. If you would have pushed me in a car and said “We are going to keep going, until we run out of money or time” I would have said yes. I’m not sure what it was, but I would have believed you. There’s no one else I’ve felt that trust with, no one else I think would really do it. No inhibitions, that was us,...
4 tags
7 tags
boiling over
I wasn’t always so nice. I used to be as fiery as any mars child, so quick to anger. As a child I would pout, stomp my feet and ball my fists. The older I got the quieter my anger was, not that it wasn’t still hot, but instead of an inferno it boiled under my skin, fizzing under my fingernails, making my temples pulse. I learned that fits rarely got things done but speaking and...
I’ve had a hard time feeling any passion lately. So I fill my day with distractions, until it decides to hit me again.
5 tags
Curse of thought
It was so easy for her to love, so easy to become the dream girl. Contentment was what she was good at, distractions were her only need. Though in the shadows of her thoughts, in those times of private dreaming she couldn’t help but imagine what could have been. Someone out there, somewhere could fit her perfectly, she didn’t know what that would mean, only that she wouldn’t...
4 tags
8 tags
Hurricanes and Fiats
We were just trying to get home. My mother, father and younger brother. Somehow we ended up in a little yellow car, and not the big white suv I know. It was the same place lots of my dreams are, that jagged piece of land near the ocean, where the sky isn’t the right shade of blue. At first we were just driving, a normal road trip. We stop at places, places I don’t recognize. I giant...
Secreted Sins: Bliss →
secretedsins:
My greatest curse is that I see all you and I could come to be — oh, how that image haunts my mind with such delicious clarity.
Our minds align as so few do, as one tissue torn into two; I sense I could make you whole, just as I’d be completed by you.
For hours, we’d talk, write, and read, …
4 tags
Don’t you get jealous? You’re right there and he is spending time with her. All he does is spend time with women. Its called self control, and maturity. Relationships end when anger is involved, I am very rarely angry, because the burning usually goes too far, I know better than to let it take over. At the end of the day I have to remember that even if he was to want someone else,...
2 tags
1 tag
Covetous Craving
secretedsins:
I can not end what was never begun, nor win at a race that I’ll never run; still, yet, I chase the effervescent Moon as if it were my place to be her Sun.
She can never know (though, I feel she knows) the way that my fevered longing grows, the way that I writhe in sweet agony, reeling with the need that her visage sows.
I wish her all happiness, and all joy. I wish her a...
4 tags
Leaping without looking
Its a habit. I have a hard time saying no, especially to things I want. Not exactly because its easy to push me around, but I hate regretting things. Life is way too short, I know that now. I wish time wasn’t a factor, or money, or morals, or anything but it is. I can handle any kind of physical pain, but the mental stuff, longing, boredom, confusion. They are not fun, and while the...
October 2011
23 posts
10 tags
The Breathing Doll
Its expected, that when you lay down to rest I am pulled along, engulfed in those heavy arms. Wide shoulders lean on mine, the weight of your body pressing me into the blankets. Its so automatic, this gesture, I lay down using your bicep as a pillow one arm goes over my chest, the other draped over my arms, hugging. Your leg swings over my waist, unmovable.
The same possessiveness of a...
5 tags
Thinking and secrets
Secrets are very important to me. They keep me going. You see over all I am a very honest person, when a friend asks me something I answer, but its important to have things that only I know. Double life, so to speak. Its nothing crazy, I don’t put on a trench coat and walk the streets at night, its little things, like no one at work knows I’m writing this right now. Or that on...
10 tags
That sounds like a challenge
“You are unruly” he said, noting her eyes meeting a young blue eyed stranger. She tossed her curls and laughed, throwing her head back. “You think it’s funny?” he asked raising an eyebrow. The girl gave him a sideways glance. “It is funny. I never saw you as the jealous type, especially considering the circumstances.” He scoffed at her, silent for a moment “Don’t feel so proud, it’s...